We’re in the process of choosing a new phone solution (hardware, local & long distance,) for flyte as we’ve outgrown our old one. Here’s an email I got in response to a request for information:

[Our company] is the largest privately held competitive held competitive [sic] [business that we're in] in the US-serving more than 160,000 small and medium sized businesses in 16 states throughout the Northeast, Mid-Atlantic, and Upper Midwest regions. With 2,200 employees and $800 million in annual revenue, [our company] is uniquely positioned to offer your company a robust portfolio of advanced telecommunications solutions backed by a level of personal attention the big phone companies just don’t deliver. Our ability to deliver superior products and services is driven by our significant investment in building and maintaining facilities based network in each of the markets we serve. [Our company] operates a vast next generation network architected on an IP core which uses nearly 10,000 route miles of fiber to interconnect our 700 collocation sites. Our network density, combined with the company’s advanced network technologies, enables us to provide innovative solutions that help you maximize the value of your telecommunications budget. Our products- By combining our broad set of products with a dedicated team of telecommunication professionals, [our company] are [sic] able to offer your business solutions that are tailored to your specific business needs. Our substantial product portfolio local and long distance, high speed internet, T1 service, Web Hosting and Web development services, making us a single-source provider for small and medium sized businesses whether you’re looking for integrated or standalone services. I look forward in hearing from you soon. Thank you for the opportunity.

That’s 15 mentions of them and 8 mentions of us.

I’ve talked about the we-we calculator before, and how it helps you focus the copy of your page on the visitor. This is an old sales technique: put the spotlight on your prospect and you’re more likely to make the sale. You learn more, you put the prospect at ease, and you are talking about a subject that is near and dear to the prospect’s heart: themselves!

Now, I just had a good phone conversation with this vendor, and they may have the solution we need. However, if the vendor hadn’t gotten me on the phone I may have deleted his email without thinking twice about it.

Whether on your Web site or in an email, put the focus on your customer to keep their interest.

One other thing that might just be a pet peeve of mine: no big blocks of text. Whether in an email or on a Web page, giant blocks of text look like an impenetrable fog. I feel like I can’t see the trees for the forest.

Break up your communication with shorter paragraphs, ellipses, dashes, bold and italicized text and bulleted lists.

Everyone loves bulleted lists.

• Rich Brooks
• Your Web Design and Internet Marketing Expert

Tags: Email Correspondence | Sales Techniques | Copywriting